The Catsuit Capers of Rosetta Stone (Part 3)

Guide: Devena in Red, Diana in Green, Jacelyn in Blue.

...so ugly that I became traumatized and forgot her name; I then forgot who I was but remembered vaguely face of an albino Indian man who worked at a famous supermarket. As he was the only lead to my true identity and the identity of the Ugly one, I began to wonder around the Taman Tun market in my cat suit, asking people for 20 sen so that I could call the supermarket when I manage to collect enough 20 cents to make up a good 10 ringgit so that I could reload my handphone. So there I was wondering around begging when I caught a reflection of myself in an old, chipped of mirror lying by a bag potatoes atthe market. I actually looked good, I mean I looked almost too fancy for a market place, but I could do something else because it seems like people have gotten rather calculative these days as every single person either refused to hand me a 20 cent coin, or they gave that suspicious kind of once-over. I decided to stand by an LRT station and pick the pockets of wealthy tourists. However, my Pussy-in-Boots latex outfit caught the attention of a Colombian Drug Lord who asked if I wanted to follow him back to Colombia and be his personal assistant. The lure of the money was great but I had a Round One to find. I told the Drug Lord…that I had recently lost my memory but on seeing his scarred face, I was reminded of who the Ugly one was and that there was a smashed Round One running around somewhere trying to get me busted. The Drug Lord was amazed at how foolish I sounded but he decided I could get away with stupidity while wearing the wonderful cat suit, the best investment I ever made. Finally, I (Rosetta Stone, for ease of reference), yanked at the Colombian Drug Lord’s hand with its one missing finger and told him to follow me. I held on tight to the Drug Lord's four remaining fingers and we decided to take the LRT to KLCC. I figured that it would be the best place to run away from the both the smashed round one, whose brain probably got smashed in the midst of all that smashing and the ugly one who's probably got a brain ugly enough to match her face, and KLCC, though a familiar hang out, would never cross their mind as a place to find me. We boarded the LRT only to get stares no matter where we turned, some were amused, some bewildered, some staring in admiration, some with jaws wide open but what got to me most were a bunch of three giggling girls who were staring straight at us and their laughter. I went up to them and told them not to laugh at me but they continued to do so. I was so mad, I tried to stab them with my pencil but they moved and I fell on an old man who leered at me. I told him not to worry, I know how to deal with ‘delicate’ situations such as these. I dealt with it by running out the LRT the minute the door opened. Unfortunately, the catsuit ripped whilst I was running and a boob fell out. The drug lord tried to cover it with his hand but I slapped him til he fell between the doors and suffered the same fate as the round one. The round one was apparently in the crowd and saw this- she recognized me and shouted in her manly voice; ‘You! Come here you and apologise to me for all the trouble you caused a poor old lady!’ I responded by…grabbing the dagger that was clutched in the dead hand of the drug lord (luckily the train hadn’t moved off yet) and threw it at the round one who cleverly avoided it as she rolled herself out of the train. The dagger flew straight into the ugly one's eye. The ugly one was standing right behind the round one with the round one covring her artsy fartsy bright colours, and I it was surprising that I didn't notice her. But the bigger problem was that now I was out of the train, without the drug Lord or his dagger, adn the round one was still rolling on the floor of the platform scaring other commuters. I covered my exposed boob with one hand and grabbed the round one’s pant leg with the other and rolled her with all my might to the other end of the platform. As she rolled she knocked over many people who got angry and proceeded to kick and thrash her at the other end of the platform. Whilst the attack, I ran to a bunting and pulled it down, using it to cover my boob. In a roll of bunting cloth I staggered to… the stairs leading to the KLCC entrance from the LRT station, hoping to find another cat suit in one of the boutiques, heartbroken that my beloved investment was torn at the boob.

Once I reached KLCC’s lobby, I quickly looked around, trying to find a boutique that would possibly sell latex clothing, but I could could concentrate on is the waft of cinnamon buns in the air. The smell was coming from the cinnabon stall not too far from where I was standing. My exposed boob problem just seemed to trivial at the actual problem I was having, satisfying my hunger and giving in to the craving of a cinnamon bun and gory violence. I was upset that strangers had beaten the round one and I didn’t. I grabbed a bun and ate it, ignoring the attendant’s shouts to pay for it. I picked up the empty tray and went back to where the round one was lying on the platform unconscious. I used the tray to batter her for a bit before…

Not the end yet...

The Catsuit Capers of Rosetta Stone (Part 2)

Guide: Devena in Red, Diana in Green, Jacelyn in Blue.

ahh, pos malaysia, so thats how he heard me. He was probably having a torrid affair with the company receptionist in the stairwell and thought it was her, as I had many times heard her singing to herself ‘Wait a minute Mr Postman!’ He helped me up and I took the opportunity to grab his mail bag and…run away with it, wanting to read the mail illegally, thereby giving me some excitement in my life. When the postman finally stopped chasing me, I slowed down, managed to find a rather empty Starbucks cafe and walked in with the mail bag. After ordering my favourite latte, I sat down in bliss by the window to read clandestinely. But what happened when I opened the first letter was so unexpected that I gave up reading. I just left the bag of letters on the floor where I had put it down earlier, my mug of steaming latte still on the table, I just walked quietly out to the terrace of Starbucks. I took out my cellphone again and hesitantly dialled the number of the fire brigade. I told them that a very irritating round person was wedged btwn the elevators at my office and that I was responsible. I hung up before saying who ‘I’ was. I then realized I would be a fugitive so I bought a black catsuit and decided to call myself Pussy-in-Boots and fight crime and rid the world of round ones. My first job…was to find the round one who had written a letter to her friend to say that she had seen the entire elevator incident and that she was going to report me to the police.

I went back into Starbucks, grabbed the mail bag and latte and ran out into the street. One of the Starbucks waiters began to chase me down the street and realizing he wanted the Starbucks mug back, I quickly threw the whole mug at him, making sure the coffee spilt all over his t-shirt and apron. He turned red as he suspiciously looked at the mail bag in my hand, at that moment it got me thinking that the letter I just read could not have possibly been written by the round one as she was probably still stuck in middle of the elevator doors and given the string of incidences that got her on the floor, she would probably be having a concussion right now. I noticed the stunned waiter was picking glass shards to stab me with but I moved back and he slipped on the spilt coffee onto the other glass pieces on floor, cutting himself badly. I took this opportunity to run away with the mail bag to check if the round one, who had been cut in half by the elevator could have a concussion much less write a letter. I found she was gone! Her friend, the short, dark, ugly one had sewn her back together. I could barely imagine what hijinx a round one and an ugly one could get up to. I needed to find the Dreaded Duo. I whipped out my cell phone and called the blinking one …to ask her where the Dreaded Duo could be. But all the blinking one could say was that I was missing from the office at a time when there was too much work! Giving up on explaining to the blinking one that I could be sent to jail for murder if I came back to the office, I slammed the phone down and giving my Pussy-In-Boots outfit a pat, proceeded to hail a cab. "Taman Tun please" I said as soon as I sat at the backseat. The horrified look on the cabby's face actually made me smile, as I could imagine what was going through his head when he saw a barely five feet tall women clad in some ridiculous black leather at this hour of the day pretending to play cat-woman. I was half concerned he may not be able to control his ‘urges’ and may rape me as is frequently the case in our town but then realized he may wear himself out just trying to get the tight suit off. He dropped me off at Taman Tun but I then realized I was in the completely opposite direction of where the Round One actually lived. I figured I should get something to eat at a mamak before I journeyed again. At the mamak, I spotted the Ugly one! She was…

Its not over till...

The Catsuit Capers of Rosetta Stone

Guide: Devena in Red, Diana in Green, Jacelyn in Blue.

The ball rolled and rolled until it hit the great wall of china, where it… stopped rolling. Andrea's sudden loud screech upon seeing a cockroach suddenly jolted me from my casual afternoon nap in front of my office pc. I was about to.. go back to sleep, dreaming of the ball rolling into the great wall of China, which is very relaxing an image, when something as dumb as cockroach frenzy grips the entire office. Surely, people have better things to do than…being afraid of cockroaches to the point of a frenzy… I decided to escape the office while everyone was busy searching for the cockroach. Rushing to the lobby, I manage to get into an elevator just before the doors closed. But then, turning around, I saw the round one jeering at me, a wicked glee forming on her face at the thought of catching me going downstairs during the supposed "office hours." I playfully stabbed her in the arm with a pencil leaving her to roll on the floor in pain, hurling expletives at me and all those of my race… Just then…the elevator doors opened. I quickly took the chance to exit, worried the round one may roll on me and squash me in anger and vengeance. The elevator doors closed on the round one writhing in pain while I laughed LOUDLY in happiness and joy-joy. But that deceitful woman in all her roundness would never leave it at that, she yanked at my sleeve and in her manly voice said, "oh that was painful. You know you shouldn't do such things to an old lady like me." I was in too much guilt to stand there and put up with that huskiness, so I yanked my sleeve, causing her to roll into the middle of the closing elevator doors… A crunch sounded as I watched the round one become a semicircle half stuck in elevators doors. The elevator…couldn’t take all the pressure on it because of the crunched round one and it began to plummet down the shaft. The entire building starting shaking. Plaster began to drop from the ceiling, falling on a strange drop of blood that was on the floor next to me. With a scream of fear at the thought of the plaster destroying my wonderfully rebonded hair, I ran over the rounded mass sprawled between the elevator doors, and jumped down to the closest floor that the elevator was stuck in. I landed on my ass with a loud thud and immediately scanned the room to see if anyone saw me. Thankfully, there stood a hot, white guy with shaggy, sandy brown hair, carrying two bags of KFC. The smell of the chicken and his piercing blue eyes made me forget about the mess of round stuff just dangling around the elevator shaft. I got up and…walked over to him, following the smell of the chicken, but when I reached the man with the piercing blue eyes, I gasped in shock for he was not exactly white. He was more of an indian looking thing with a peculiar skin disease. I mean he was white all over, but when he opened his mouth and said "Yes maam... How can I help you?" in an incredibly thick indian accent, I fled to the stairwell, as the elevator was out of the question. As I ran down the stairs, wondering why an Albino Indian man had blue eyes, I did not see some very short men having a smoke and tripped over them. I fell down the stairs but my fall was stopped by… a huge tub of lard that had been left at the bottom of the stairs. Falling smack into all that lard, I was disgusted and let out a loud shriek that caught the ear of a sweet looking young gayish man. He came opened the stairwell door to see what happened and our eyes locked. Me in all that lard-y mess, he in his uniform, wait, he was wearing a uniform, and i squinted to see the tiny words on his left breast pocket.....

Continues! soon...

The Secret Cave (Part 3)

Guide: Devena in Red, Diana in Green, Jacelyn in Blue.

...

lots of ants and spiders and worms, all eating each other, which made her feel very happy and special. She then noticed the huge open tunnel down which the butler and nanny had fallen. It was very quiet suddenly. Jane looked around with slow foolishness, wondering why she was feeling dumb so slowly, because usually she'll feel the dumbness creeping in immediately. As she stood there in an even slow wonderment, she heard something go drip, drip, drip.. in equally slow motion as her thoughts. It was the slow dripping of blood from the corpse of Tim which was impaled on a stone spike at the roof of the cave. When Jane saw this she first screamed in horror and then felt silly as there was no reason to scream at a corpse. Her screams dislodged another rock which nearly missed her head and landed on Brunhilda’s corpse send pieces of organs and blood flying up at Jane’s face. The screaming brought June outside to where Jane… was wiping off the gooey blood and gore now all over her.

While June was standing at the entrance to the mansion, looking at Jane, lightning struck a jagged arc overhead, illuminating the garden outside the mansion and also revealing parts of Brunhilda's body that have strewn all over the place. She jumped at the sight of her cat Piddles gnawing at what would’ve been a pancreas. She looked at Jane with disappointment. ‘If your were going to kill the butler and the maid- you could’ve called me first! I would’ve taken Piddles somewhere else!’ Jane was about to protest but realized it may be nice to be a murderer. She thought of all the wonderful stale food and lesbian sex she’d have in prison. It would definitely be better than…sitting in the mansion playing bad music in relative darkness. But before Jane could say anything to June about her wonderful prison dreams, she saw a strange shadow on the ground next to hers. It looked like a large man with an axe in his hand. ‘But that would mean…’ She started to tremble in horror at the thought of her dad being the one responsible for all that blood shed. "But why would dad want to kill his very own children?" she though to herself, and as she was trying to look away, avoiding her father's gaze, she felt a splash of a foul smelling liquid right across her face. ‘Oh sorry Jane, didn’t see you there. Was just throwing out yesterday’s wanton soup leftover.’ said her dad. He put the axe down. ‘Cut that damn-ratted tree cos it was blocking the entrance to my secret laboratory underground. I see Tim and Brun went where they shouldn’t have…’ Jane was about to say something but June screamed and pointed to the front door. Jerry… was tip-toe-ing towards Jane and her dad. In his hand was not any kind of poo (for the benefit of those who have an obsession with this kid throwing poo about ha) but a vial of radioactive material that his father was testing in the underground lab that had be strewn with the debris. Despite the animated protests of his siblings and father, jerry splashed the contents around hitting everybody. All are chemically burnt to death.

Ends.

P.S. personally- this story seems a little less clever (as clever as nonsense can get I guess!) than the others. However, I am certain the next one will be more interesting... (its done btw!) ;) ~ Diana

The Secret Cave (Part 2)

Guide: Devena in Red, Diana in Green, Jacelyn in Blue.

...comb and scissors and said ‘I can’t wait to style your hair! And for you to style mine!’ After giggling in anticipation for a few seconds, he begin work one her hair. At first, he only intendede to snip of the split ends of her long dark hair, but it was too dark and he accidentally chopped off a whole chunk of it. She was furious, she grabbed the shears from him and stabbed his hand. He screamed in pain so loudly that the rocks surrounding the secret passageway began to tremble. The tremors caused them to be still long enough for a deluge of rocks to flatten them. The passage was just below the bedroom where Jane’s elder sister June was…June heard a sound like rocks and earth falling and loud screams of pain but she was too busy pining away for her boyfriend who was back home, waiting for winter to be over so that they could meet again, to pay much notice to the sounds. She was just about to fall sleep when she heard a knock on her door. ‘Come in’, she said, not suspecting that that anyone at all would distract her. Jane was at her door asking the whereabouts of the butler. They both decided to go looking for him when they heard someone singing a very bad rendition of ‘Singing in the Rain’ in the kitchen. ‘Oh no!’ June cried- ‘Tim must be out or dead as there is no way he would allow any bad singing in his kitchen! Oh how he always liked to imitate Simon and spank Brunhilda when she sang badly!’ Jane agreed with her sister and decided to go back to her music playing, realizing it would be futile to look for a dead or missing butler. But June, who because of the one different alphabet in her name, was smarter than Jane, and realized that there wasn’t anyone in the house who could sing ‘Singing in the Rain’ as badly as the person still singing it, not even June herself (and she was a truly awful singer). “Jane,” she said, her voice trembling, “isn’t that voice of yours really realy bad? I suggest you stop insulting yourself and thus stick to talking." Jane stared at her in such disbelief. She was too shocked to utter another word and just ran out the back door into the darkness. Alone once again, June went back to her room to continue brooding. Meanwhile, Jane had run out and tripped over an uprooted tree that had fallen due to the landslide in caves below. ‘That’s odd,’ she thought… ‘I am wearing different shoes on each foot. That stupid mansion with its old chandeliers, haven’t they heard of proper lighting in this place? Hmmm, wait a minute, isn’t that an air conditioning unit? 'Oh my.. that is pretty cool.. never did i expect such technology in this freaking old building. Im sure there's more to life than looking at home furnishing in my own house’. She got up off the grass and tugged at the fallen tree too see if there was anything under it. Sadly, even with her superhuman strength, her lifting unveiled nothing- because there was nothing under the tree… except…

The Secret Cave...(Part 1)

It was a dark and dreary night. The storm continued outside, but in the mansion, everything was cosy, with chandeliers brightly lit and one of Jane’s cousins playing on the organ cum piano cum electric guitar. Jane was on the drums. Her 4-year old brother Jerry was on the potty making a completely different kind of music. He reached for the loo roll only to fall off the potty and spread its unsightly contents all over the hall. Jane … unaware of her brother’s machinations, continued to play on the drums, wondering about her life, the rain and why she was forced to stay with her cousins in the mansion this winter while her parents travelled the world as missionaries and spies. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door but no one realized it as everyone was drowned in the enthusiasm of solid noise-making. After a few minutes, a cab pulled over the driveway to drop off the butler and the nanny who had a night out by themselves. They had an apparently romantic night as they couldn't keep their hands off each other all the way up to the entrance door but their kisses stopped short when they discovered Jerry peeping at them from the window with a poo-ball in hand waiting to launch at them from his vantage point. They hurried around back to get away from the demon child and in their haste, did not see a giant sewer hole in which they fell into…Upon falling into the hole, the butler (Tim) and the nanny (Brunhilda) realized that it was in fact not a sewer hole at all, but a secret passageway into the mansion whose cover had been strangely removed. They walked through a rather small tunnel and came to an opening of yet another tunnel. The secret passageway was pitch black, they couldn't see a thing. Tim was getting tired of walking and he sw this as an opportunity get it on with Brunhilda as the kids will definitely not find them here. He whispered, "Brun, honey.. I’ve suddenly got the urge to do those things we do rarely get to do. Thos lovely unmentionables- those brats will never discover us here.’ Brunhilda giggled shyly. ‘You know I am always ready for you…’ It was all the encouragement he needed. He whipped out his…

To be Continued...