Ginger-ous!

Been a little busy- but never too busy for mad stories! Our next creation...

Ginger-ous~ Part 1

Ginger breezed through the office door that morning, filled with hope for a brand new beginning at New Beginnings; a bookshop in the corner of Chinatown. Once she stepped into the office, a horrible odor greeted her, dispelling her hopes and making her want to sneeze. She was so tempted to just walk out the door and never come back, but just at that thought, a voice behind her called "Oh you must be lost. We don’t get White Devils here often,’ said the old Chinese man hunched on his cane that looked like an untreated root of oak. ‘No, I am Ginger, I was hired yesterday by Mrs Chen.’ The man squinted, ‘Mrs Chen is the cleaning lady, and slightly mad, I might add…’ Ginger gasped. She couldn’t believe it! When the old Chinese man that hunched on his cane squinted at her and told her such annoying things, he reminded her of her long lost grandfather (she was actually only 75% white- the other 25% was Chinese)! So she stared at him bewildered. But her thought went back to her meeting with Mrs Chen the day before. She looked too well poised, wearing a slim-cut long cheongsam with a slit that shows of almost all of her legs, hair up in a bee-hive, and spoke too much proper English in full sentences to be a mad cleaning lady. In fact, her long lost grandfather look-alike seems more likely to be a little off and pulling her leg. In fact, he looked very capable of pulling her legs quite literally. She wondered if she should ask him if he was her long lost grandfather but then decided no good could come of it so instead she asked, ‘Who owns this place then? You?’ He was about to respond when a dashing young man entered from the back door. He said, ‘Father, there you are! I’ve been looking all over for you! Stop harassing strangers in random stores!’ The young man’s eyes then locked with Ginger’s…who found it difficult to unlock her eyes from his as he was, unknown to her, a master hypnosis who often practiced on hapless strangers in random stores. The young man was about to reach out his hands for a strand of hair that was casually caressing her lip just when Mrs Chen strides through the door and in an awfully intense tone shouted "it's you again!! you silly old man.. how dare you keep walking into my shop! And for the last time, I am not your cleaning lady and I will not follow you back to do any bedding activities! Do you hear me hunchy?" and with that she smacked him upside his head with her pocketbook. This jolted Ginger out of the hypnotic clutches of the young man, who deftly maneuvered out the same door he came in followed by his aging father. ‘There! Now that we got them out of the way…’ Ginger looked at Mrs Chen in excitement, wondering what her first task for the day would be. ‘You must take out the garbage, then clean the pantry and tidy up all the books. Then you can get me some of my favourite tea and cakes from Baker’s Heaven; it’s only two blocks away, so I’m sure you can be there and back in no more than ten minutes.’ ‘But,’ Ginger began,’… i.. but I thought my job was just to sit by the coffee table and read one book a day? Your job requirement stated - 'must be able to read a book a day'. and now I have to take the garbage and stuff, I don't think I am…’ Before she could finish, Mrs Chen snapped, ‘Don’t think you’re what? Qualified to take out the trash? Sorry, I forgot I must’ve been the only who graduated Elevated Rubbish Throwing. You wanted a job, you got a job. I asked you if you read a book a day because that would certainly make up for all the books you’re NOT going to read as long as you work here!’ Ginger crinkled her nose- her cutesy response to problems. What was she doing here? She wondered… where the cute grandson of the mad old hunched Chinese man would be right now, and decided to try to find him so that he could teach her how to hypnotise ppl; that way, she could hypnotise Mrs Chen into stop being a bitch and maybe sign over the bookship to Ginger! And then she too could wear long elegant cheongsams and boss around to immature little girls looking for jobs. "Now, where has that cutie gone too?" And out the door she fled, walking down the pavement looking thorugh the glass doors of pretty little boutiques which all seem to have bright red lanterns hanging, and then she spotted it, it was big, it was beautiful, she's been wanting it since she heard about it in fairytales as a child but had never seen one in real life before. She rushed to the produce section of the Wong & Son Supermarket and picked up the biggest pumpkin they had. After paying Wong, or his son, whichever it was- she caught sight of the hypnotist in the cheese section. She rushed over, almost tripping over a watermelon sliver. Her clumsiness drew annoyed looks from the other patrons who muttered unflattering comments in Chinese. She reached the cheese section and…promptly locked eyes with the hypnotist once more. This time, she was hypnotized long enough for him to caress one of her stray hairs hanging by her lip. After that, his hypnosis wore off as the pumpkin she was holding fell on his left foot. His loud "ouch!" brought her back to the unflattering cheese section.

She...Ends.

She...Part3

The loud sound of the crashing door had sent the pastor and his girlfriend… running across their neatly mowed lawn to the presbyterian church which the pastor heads. She heard them running but it didn’t quite register as the 11 herbs and spices chicken was overpowering her senses. When she got out onto the patio and found it empty, she shrieked in frustration and threw the chicken bone at a nearby duck. The duck was sent rolling across the lawn and tripped the farmer’s girlfriend, causing her to have a concussion… that would have been the end of it as the girlfriend could then be finished off with the blade while the soya bean is drunk, but suddenly the chicken bone thrower realised that it was the farmer's girlfriend who had tripped and not the pastor's girlfriend, and that the pastor and his girlfriend were lamost reaching the steps of the church. So... she carried all that cloth she was wearing and ran with the can of soya bean in her hands, knife on the other and was careful to jump over the chicken bone. As she was running with all her might, complete with al the wind blowing and hair flying effects (although at tortoise speed), and as she was about to reach the church steps, the church bells rang and caught her off-guard. She dropped the cleaver on the steps making a loud clanking sound. This alerted the pastor and his wife who came out to see. When he saw her, with her messy hair and unkempt bags… he fell deeply and madly in love. He rushed to steady her not knowing that his wife was reaching for the cleaver… and that not too far in the church, the pastor's girlfriend was also reaching for a weapon to kill the pastor, his wife and our heroine. All the simultaneously thoughts and actions caught the attention of the farmer who was praying in the church for his wife who had had a concussion. Upon seeing the pastor’s girlfriend and wife having a tussle he changed his mind about his own profession- ‘Damn it- why does he get all the women!’. He then decided he would let them kill the pastor and then he’d have all of them. But his plot was foiled when… the pastor's girlfriend accidentally slashed a vein on his neck as she turned to run towards the pastor's wife who was hiding behind the huge church doors, and the farmer cried in pain as he fell on the beautifully lit oil lamps by the altar, thus burning to death. His shrieking caught her attention and sent a shrill of pleasure through her spine. She dropped the cleaver and ran towards the farmer lying in a pool of blood, clothes seeped in oil and was slowly burning... she then decided it would be appropriate to do a rain dance around the burning farmer to help him stop burning, for too many thrills were going through her as he burned so that she could not think straight and thought she had become a Red Indian (Native American, to be politically correct), and then… she caught the pastor's eyes. He hurried to watch her dance around the farmer’s flaming carcass, forgetting all about our heroine (whose name is Petals, for ease of reference), panting on the church steps. Petals was panting so much that she almost didn’t realise that the pastor’s girlfriend (whose name is Leafy, for ease of reference), had dropped the cleaver; but then she saw the shining cleaver calling to her from inside the church and ran to it, only to realize the Pastor’s wife could run faster than she could… she panicked. She had to win. The pastors wife and the girlfriend has to go. And then it struck her. She stood there, right in the middle of the aisle and started reiterating boring family stories - "my aunt had her hernia removed just last Christmas! Oh what a fat lump it was!!...’ At the vile mention of hernia’s and Chrismas, both the girlfriend and wife stopped short and cringed, then started shaking uncontrollably with discomfort. Petals was overjoyed. She continued… ‘And then her husband, Mickey…decided to open a shop selling T-shirts, but my aunt’s hernia operation cost so much money that they couldn’t open the shop and then my aunt started nagging my uncle to get off his fat ass and find a more lucrative job than writing sub-titles for movies…’ At the mention of sub-titles for movies, the pastor and his wife suddenly remembered the horribly wrong BM sub-titles to an English movie they had just watched and they had a heart-attack and died on the spot. Petals and Leafy looked at each other bewildered. What were they to do now? Three corpses lay strewn in the church . Petals was afraid yet she felt something strange, soemthing she never felt before, it was the weirdest urge, an urge to just pull leafy close and give her a lip-smacking kiss, but before she divulge into her urges, she took out a safety blade from her pocket and made a tiny slit on both the corpses - a heart shaped scar on the pastor's cheek, and a zig zagged scar on the pastor's wife's hand.. A gleeful smile spread across her face at the thought of the slitting. The farmer was burnt by now and there was no need of any slitting. Then.. just before Petals and Leafy could get it on, the forgotten farmer’s girlfriend, who had now recovered from her concussion, arrived at the church, and seeing the farmer burnt to death (his face was not completely burnt, so she could make him out), became enraged, and knocked out the cornerstone of the church with her bare hands, thus bringing the church down on top of everyone in it. And soon a rescue team arrived at the church site to salvage the situation. They managed to pull Petals out safely as she had used her unkempt bags and the farmer’s corpse to shield her from the falling rocks. When she got out she immediately received a text from Bobby telling her, he would be back for Hanukkah. She was in a daze and could not remember all tht transpired before thus telling the police and rescue team that the paralysed duck had made the building collapse. They took her to the mental ward where she met… Devena Kasinathan, a beautiful young lady who looks just like her, bags, unkept hair and all. They began to.. talk to each other and discovered that they hey mutual friends, Jacelyn Johnson the evil dwarf and Diana Chai the temptress…they missed their mutual friends a lot, and so they decided to break out of the mental ward. They were running so fast to avoid being caught, just to get to the nearest telephone-booth so that they could get the evil dwarf's opinion on another murderous technique in case the mental hospital wardens came after them, but as they approached the corner of the shop lots, they spotted the temptress' car speeding along the road. They decided to wait at the junction to catch Diana Chai's attention, but Alas, Diana was speeding to fast and didnt notice the two bags by the road and hit them flat as she swirled around the corner...

Fin. :)

She... Continues.

After a slight commercial break from an apparently hungry Devena, we're back to the second installment of our quirky madlib story!.. Read On!

She...Part2

Though Jacelyn assured her she wouldn’t have to eat the cow, she was appalled nonetheless and decided perhaps she would slaughter a cabbage instead and… she almost began to kill the cabbage (which if she had only known it then, but she was too stupid to realise, was already dead on the kitchen table) but she then realized how much more boring slaughtering a cabbage would be than her current mundane work life etc and so instead she let the evil dwarf’s lair and went to Tesco’s to buy a good knife to experiment on ppl with. But then… Tesco's was closed for no apparent reason on that particular day and she had once made a personal vow to never visit carrefour which is the only other convenience store that she could get to without much hassle, so she called the evil dwarf again to ask for other killing options...

The evil dwarf suggested a deadly mix of boring family stories and arsenic. Would kill anyone stone dead, she said- after which you could cut them up with a safety blade. Our heroine was in awe of the evil dwarf and quickly headed to the nearest drug store for arsenic. One the way there… she met a pastor, who offered her a can of soya bean which she greedily snapped up! She was in such a hurried state to drink it up that she overlooked the poor pastor standing there, waiting in anticipation of any form of appreciation, but of course none came. The loud opening of the can awoke the pastor from his daze and as he was in a hurry, he smiled sympathetically at her and walked away. She slurped her last drop of soya bean only to find... that she is no longer hungry. Since the soya bean has returned her wits to her which had been disappearing lately, she suddenly realizes how cute the pastor is who had smiled sympathetically at her. She quickly turns to find where the cute, tall, dark and handsome pastor had gone but instead saw a tub of lard grin at her with horrible teeth. She nearly barfed her soya (and tht would be a terrible waste of good soya) and hurried away in the direction the pastor had disappeared in. The road led her to a cottage in the middle of Wales. The pastor was seated on the patio with… another woman! "Who the hell is that bitch?" she wondered. At the back of her mind she was already planing up boring familiy stories that would kill... now all she needs is that blade and Dolly Parton implants to shield her identity. But her mind was made up- she would…. do whatever it takes to get another can of soya been. Oh and also a knife. So she goes where both would obviously be: the pastor's kitchen! Inside, she unexpectedly finds that she had completely destroyed the door (as the pastor had never let her in anyway, so not altogether unexpected). She quickly grabs the nearest cleaver, soya can and a chicken leg (murdering takes strength…) before heading off to find her victim.

To be continued...

P.S. you'll notice in the first installment that we mentioned our heroine to be vegetarian... and now she grabs a chicken leg... LOL! ;)

Cooking time!

In the spirit of nonsenseness... well, more randomness than anything... i was wondering yesterday about the origins of cooking. If you're wondering, i can't cook for nuts, but i'm pretty hooked to cooking shows, be it Nigella's sultry kitchen exploits, Jamie Oliver's lisping dialogue or Anna Olsen's sugary creations.


And so i found myself thinking, food being so central to who i am as a person, what ppl would have been like before cooking began. I mean, 'cavemen' (please excuse my ignorance of the various historical phases, Neolithic, Paleolithic etc which names i still weirdly remember but have no clue anymore what actually went on in those long ago days) would probably have eaten raw meat or just raw vegetables, fruits and nuts to survive. What an inspiring meal to come home to after a long day trying to escape saber tooth tigers and befriend wooly mammoths without success. I mean, raw meat? I have friends who thrive on rare steaks but blood oozing out of my meal is not the least bit appetizing to me. I like the idea of mixing herbs and spices to create the perfect marinade, sauce or gravy; grilling a piece of meat at just the right temperature so that it's tender and yet fully cooked, but not burnt (i hate burnt food); and of course, beautifully decorated desserts with swirls and dollops and twists of (pick your favourite sweet snack).


And that's when it hit me, if people in the modern age (me included) stop learning to cook, we may lose all the stuff that the cavemen learned over the years. We may have to get back to eating raw meat, vegetables, fruits and nuts. No trace of tumeric or garlic or (god forbid) that wonderfully aromatic curry leaf, may grace our salivating mouths anymore. Yes, it's an extreme thought... that ppl would forget how to cook. But in these days of fast food and frozen pizza, it's not too unthinkable and it freaks me out!


So, to avoid reliance on raw foods, and to decrease the chances of being ruled by chefs who in the near future may hold one of our main sentient pleasures in the palms of their skilled hands (the rest of us being totally clueless about making our own meals), i shall try to learn to cook (shudder)... yes, i shall not even restrict my learning to baking, but instead attempt grilling and boiling, to ensure that my taste buds will be forever sated and content. Here's to talking nonsense and eating well!


Devena

And we're here!

Talking (or in this case, writing) nonsense is an art. I kid you not. And we're experts in the field- you'll come to see that soon.

It was a typical day at work when we decided we'd make a hobby out the jabberings we usually would confine to the occasional inter-office email chat or after-work mamak session. What started as a small game to pass the time between projects and waiting snowballed into one long, weird composition of sorts.

You've all played it- 'Finish the story'- one person provides one line, and the next another... you get the drill. And what came out of it, was just too good not to share.

Why'd we start this blog? Don't know really, but what we reckon we'd give it a shot. Mindless fun if nothing else!

As we've prolly rambled on long enough, continue reading for our first ever 'pieced together' story. Please note- the following was not edited in any way- we know there're grammatical and consistency issues but it just adds to the fun of it.
Colour Code; Devena in Red, Jacelyn in Blue and Diana in Green.


She...

The rain hit the pane in a thumping motion almost in rhythm as she… stared out the window like a dieting woman looking at a tub of ice-cream... only to see the ice-cream melting in the tropical heat… which was rather surprising for a rainy day.. if it was actually happening, but the woman was only imagining the ice-cream and the melting-ness of it, like she usually did when she was very, very hungry. In fact, she imagined food on a daily basis- it was all she could do to keep from thinking of… the mundane-ness of her work life, the routined family life and of course, the one car she would never have unless she stopped supporting her parents in the Nursing Villa and decided to wear last year’s fashions. The horror! But she really wanted that car, it reminded her of….freedom, running over annoying people, ice-cream and all such good stuff, but… for now, all she could do was sit by the window of her favourite coffee shop, sipping a cup of steaming hot coffee, a book in her hand, and wishing her Bobby hadn’t gone to war, leaving her alone with bills and dreams whilst he….took photos of the war to post on his famous blog, with catchy and interesting captions, while being bored and frightened out of his mind, which is why… she is unable to comprehend the fact that even the life of a person at war, whose life is at stake every minute of the day seems more interesting and fulfilling than her own. She had to put her life at risk as well and hopefully in a very much more glamorous and exciting fashion- She knew what she must do- she had to go for National Service and prove… how stupid she was to join National Service when she is not drafted to join because she is soon kicked out of the camp. After realizing her mistake she knows what she must do to put her life at stake in an even more glamorous and exciting fashion; she must… go on a killing spree. "Oh the joy of slashing someone with a sharp knife and then hear them scream..." she thought to herself. But to do so she needed a foolproof plot- so she called Jacelyn Johnson- evil master dwarf of all things bloody and painful for her opinion on… the art and mastery of causing trauma and bodily hurt on another without having to put in much effort. The conversation went well, except the part where Jacelyn explained how to she practiced disemboweling a cow causing our heroine to realize in shock and horror that all this would clash very much with her vegetarianism...

To be continued... ;)