Purple Princess Phantasies (Part 2)

Devena in red, Diana in green and Jacelyn in blue...

screamed in pain as the nettles stung her bare skin and that only got her more attention from dirty old Mr Sharp-ear. He looked at her struggling with the weeds leeringly, and was about to....jump out of the window and land on her, when someone at the window pushed him out instead. He landed in a small pond next to the nettles and quickly sank to the bottom, as people with sharp ears naturally do not know how to swim… Fantaghiro breathed a sigh of relief, but dare not move, for every movement would make the nettles sting her even more. Just when all hope for getting out of the nettle bush seemed to be lost, who should appear at the window above but a vampire that looked strangely like a female version of Tarabas. The vamp tried to hypnotize Fantaghiro with her black beady eyes but Fantaghiro suddenly found the courage to pull herself out of the nettles. She knew that falling prey to the vamp’s stare and eventually becoming her rumour-mongering buddy is a worse fate than some scars. She streaked across the lawn as the vamp gave chase shouting ‘wait! I just want to advise you!’… when she was startled by a wet hand slowly caressing her face. It was sharp-ear all drenched. She realized that in her struggle to get out of the nettles, she fell asleep again and it was so weird that she continued to be fantaghiro even in this dream. There was something about those characters that totally intrigued her and it seems like her sub-conscious mind is not leaving her at ease. She snapped herself out of her dream rationalization when the 'roaming' wet hands.... began to slap her reallhard. Waking up, Fantaghiro saw a wet, gangly youth shouting at her angrily. It was then that she remembered that she was really Barney and was now being clobbered by one of her child co-actors on set. She fended off the attacks and… upon realizing that she was still naked, and have managed to capture quite a bit of unnecessary attention, she ran inside the house and wrapped a stray sheet around her body only to find the mystery man giving her a top-to-toe..... glance filled with envy because he wanted the sheet so badly. She passed by him quickly and made it into a long corridor, where she spent a lot of time reminding herself that she was NOT Barney as some ppl seemed to think. Soon, she made it to a blue door at the end of the corridor.

When Fantaghiro opened the blue door……she found herself on the set of Barney and knew she couldn’t fight her fate anymore. She put on her purple Barney head and went to entertain the kids- forgetting she was still naked. A traumatized boy pointed and screamed but the rest seemed unfazed. In truth- they had seen such sights many times before when… Barney purposefully refused to get dressed in time for her shows. The traumatized boy however, after getting over his trauma, walked up to Barney and told her 'Shame, shame, puppy shame, all the monkeys know your name." and soon all the kids were chanting the rhyme over and over again. Barney could feel her temper rising and before... she could control her temper, she first decided that she must always fight a fate that says she is Barney when she is in fact Fantaghiro, and exploded into a million, zillion pieces!

Purple Princess Phantasies.. (Part 1)

Devena in red, Diana in green and Jacelyn in blue...

I suddenly woke up feeling strangely empowered. The noise of fast moving cars and busses didnt seem to bother me as much as it used to. I looked around and and realized I was lying in the middle of the road with a pool of blood around me and a whole bunch of people were just standing around... reading books and selling t-shirts. Annoyed that they were not assisting a person lying in the middle of the road with a pool of blood around them, I swam through the pool until I reached…the end of the stalls where I saw a little cottage that was so pretty I wanted to touch it because we all know that people like to touch things which are pretty. But then my hand went right thru the brick! Either the house wasn’t real or I wasn’t real. I came to the conclusion that… the house wasnt real. I mean how could there be such a pretty little cottage just down the road. It was simply not possible. I knocked on the quaint looking door, and to my surprise my fist went through the door... Remembering that I shouldn’t be surprised that my fist went through the door – heck, I shouldn’t even be knocking on the door if I already knew the cottage wasn’t real dammit – I walked past the cottage into the shop behind it. There, a hologram producing machine was coming up with the cottage look-alike outside. I punched the short ugly man running the machine and changed the cottage into a hologram of Spock. Suddenly a huge rush of females started heading in the direction of the Zachary Quinto hologram but they were beaten by what looked like Barney hurtling down the road. Barney had been eyeing spock for almost 10 years now and she finally caught a "live" glimpse of him. She would not let even the tiniest of creatures near her beloved Spock as she thinks she waited long enough to have him all for herself. After getting pass all the ugly scrawny women in short skirts and stillettos, she headed towards her Spock only to...watch him disappear slowly. He was a stupid hologram too! In shock, Barney, who was in fact the Princess Fantaghiro whom strange and blind commentators often mistook for Barney, walked to the hologram machine, wondering what other ppl it possessed in its archives. With a click, Spock had changed into Little Richard. The sudden massive transformation shocked Fantaghiro who being an ancient Italian myth could not understand the concept of a 20th Century gay man. She ran away from the weird device and found herself… in a dingy back alley. She was still dreaming of Spock when she spotted a handsome men lying helpless by a huge pile of rubbish. She picked up the courage to go up to him, simply because he looked good, in fact as she got closer to him, she could almost swear it was Romualdo. She began running towards him and....shouted loudly, “Romualdo! Romualdo!”. But for some reason, Romualdo began to run away from her, down the alley.
Fantaghiro was surprised, and very suspicious. Why would Romualdo be running away from her? Then, she noticed a cloaked figure at the end of the alley; Romualdo would intercept the figure very soon! What if it was an evil wizard or some badly placed mannequin? Fantaghiro moved forward only to find the cloaked ‘figure’ was clothes hanging on a washing line. ‘Romouldo’ ran thru the flapping clothes and out of sight. Fantaghiro chased after him screaming like a madwoman- ‘Romouldo! Romouldo!’ until something hard hit her head and she heard a gruff ‘Shut up, b*tch!’ Fantaghiro passed out. When she awoke, she found… herself lying naked between clean white satin sheets, with a man she could hardly recognise. She... gasped and thought to herself “Where the devil have my wonderful clothes and boots got to? And my cloak too? OMG is the man I can’t recognize wearing my clothes????” She slowly peeled away the sheets covering her and the mystery man and realized he wasn’t wearing her clothes but some other woman’s! He was dressed in a lacy negligee. She screamed in horror at the disgusting sight and jumped out of the open window. Only when she fell on a bunch of nettles did she remember she had no clothes on. She…

The Catsuit Capers of Rosetta Stone (Part 5)

Guide: Devena in Red, Diana in Green, Jacelyn in Blue.

was too engrossed with the chipmunk. I made my way to reach for the chipmunk's mustache and when I was finally on top of him, right there in the middle of the streets of Bangsar, the big huge x-trail driver who was put-off because I paid attention to the chipmunk and not him, drove his huge car past us and splashed some funky smelling liquid on us. The chipmunk was so annoyed that he turned his head so fast, his bristly mustached scratched against my nose and I screamed so loudly that the chipmunk died out of shock. I stood there and realized the liquid was radioactive and soon my catsuit started glowing in the dark. The glowing catsuit attracted a bunch of crows and the weird smell made them react in an angry manner. I was soon covered by crows who were picking at my skin and clawing at my suit. I was screaming in pain about the crow ambush when I heard the hearty laughter of the Dreadful Round One. The laughter was so dreadful it scared the crows away. She stopped laughing upon realizing she had helped me. I took the opportunity to blindside her with a punch. At that point, a sweet yet annoying voice said ‘Rosetta! Please do not punch the Round One! I do not understand why you are going to punch her. Please explain to me via email why you want to punch her…’ I was overcome by irritation that I…rubbed myself all over the round one so that some radioactive liquid would transfer to her and she would glow and attract crows to eat her up. Then, I saw the annoying one who was speaking in that sweet but annoying voice, jumped on her and rubbed myself all over her too while she emphasized that I was being foolish for not writing her a thousand emails in one day to explain myself. And with that, I had no more radioactive liquid on my catsuit anymore and instead watched the two glowing (blinding) idiots being eaten up by crows. Laughing in joy, I turned to see the X-Trail coming back up the road, and the tall and large man allowed me to hitch a ride to go to Genting Highlands after all! The End!

The Catsuit Capers of Rosetta Stone (Part 4)

Guide: Devena in Red, Diana in Green, Jacelyn in Blue.

realizing I had mistakenly battered a different and innocent round one who, being round and fat, had been desperate to get to the handsome smashed Colombian drug lord and had walked into the crowd stampeding off the train thereby being squashed on the platform. Suddenly, the innocent round woman who I had mistakenly whacked said in a suitably fattened desperate voice, “Rosetta…” I freaked. She knew my name. I waited for her to turn so I could recognize her face. But she did not. I stood there patiently, one hand on my boob, and the other impatiently suffing the balance of the bun into my mouth, and then she slowly tried to get up. "Aunt Melrose?" I shuddered at the thought of explaining to my mom that I just hit her sister with a tray so hard that she could not even get up. Random thought were running through my mind, should I just run or should I help. The conscious part of me was saying that I should help her up and do the right thing, which is take her home but another part of me just felt like hitting her more, pretend I didn't see this whole thing and run, just run until I find that cat suit, and probably some boots to match on the way out. I was even contemplating on stopping by Bobby Brown's for a make-over to match my outfit when I saw a cockroach and started screaming hysterically. I then remembered how I got into this whole mess in the first place! It was Andrea and the cockroach! I stepped on the roach and my bloodlust was contained for the moment. I quickly turned to Aunt Melrose and said ‘I don’t know what you are talking about or who Rosetta is. I am Pussy-in-Boots and I rid the world of round ones!’ Offended at my speech A. Melrose said, ‘Just because I am round doesn’t mean I am desperate! But that drug lord was cute and I need to get married ok?’ Confused as to why Aunt Melrose wanted to marry a DEAD drug lord, I left her with her delusions and went on a shopping spree for a new outfit. I turned and… saw the supposedly dead Colombian drug lord’s mangled body walk towards my Aunt Melrose, and they embraced. It seemed the drug lord was too lordish to die by being hit by some bourgeoisie LRT train! I wished my Aunt Melrose good luck with him and stuck my tongue out at her just before I turned the corner, because being Pussy-In-Boots gave me courage to be rude to my relatives. Soon, I was back in KLCC, trying to find a cat suit. Finally I spotted a gorgeous black leather one at the display window of MNG. Excitedly, I walked right through its huge glass doors eager to get that exact display suit. I found them neatly hanging on the racks and reached out for one when a strong hairy hand reached out for the same hanger i was about to hold out. Frowning, I looked up to give the owner of the hairy hands a piece of my mind and I froze. The chipmunk looking man stared at me, well at my boob to be precise, his hand still on the hanger, and after a long moment passed us by, he casually asked, "shopping? You're on leave today? I thought I saw you walking in the office a little after nine this morning?" I gave him my brightest smile, flipped my hair so that my body movement would get him to concentrate on my boob again. I thought the conversation would be easier if I distracted him. He was distracted and I asked him if he would follow me to Bangsar so I could hunt more round ones that frequented the area. He asked me why and I said I needed to find a petrol station and didn’t know if there was any. He blinked and said ‘but you don’t have a car…’ I shook my hair again n it made the exposed boob juggle in a hypnotic way that made him say yes to my stupid request anyway. So off we went to the LRT looking for a petrol station in Bangsar. We found too many to count so I pretended I was blind and couldn’t see them and asked…if chipmunk could take me in his car all the way to Genting Highlands and then back to Bangsar to find the petrol stations I had pretended not to see. As I forgot to move my boob hypnotically when I made my request, the chipmunk finally realized I was just being dumb on purpose. He became angry and after giving my hanging out boob a last, long leer, began to walk away. Incensed, I ran after him, but I sadly tripped on a flat part of the pavement and fell into the chipmunk, knocking him into the main road where he was promptly crushed into the ground by a huge X-Trail driven by a very large and tall man. The tall and large man seemed to recognize me and was about to get out of the car to say something to me but I...

Over? Not a chance!...

The Catsuit Capers of Rosetta Stone (Part 3)

Guide: Devena in Red, Diana in Green, Jacelyn in Blue.

...so ugly that I became traumatized and forgot her name; I then forgot who I was but remembered vaguely face of an albino Indian man who worked at a famous supermarket. As he was the only lead to my true identity and the identity of the Ugly one, I began to wonder around the Taman Tun market in my cat suit, asking people for 20 sen so that I could call the supermarket when I manage to collect enough 20 cents to make up a good 10 ringgit so that I could reload my handphone. So there I was wondering around begging when I caught a reflection of myself in an old, chipped of mirror lying by a bag potatoes atthe market. I actually looked good, I mean I looked almost too fancy for a market place, but I could do something else because it seems like people have gotten rather calculative these days as every single person either refused to hand me a 20 cent coin, or they gave that suspicious kind of once-over. I decided to stand by an LRT station and pick the pockets of wealthy tourists. However, my Pussy-in-Boots latex outfit caught the attention of a Colombian Drug Lord who asked if I wanted to follow him back to Colombia and be his personal assistant. The lure of the money was great but I had a Round One to find. I told the Drug Lord…that I had recently lost my memory but on seeing his scarred face, I was reminded of who the Ugly one was and that there was a smashed Round One running around somewhere trying to get me busted. The Drug Lord was amazed at how foolish I sounded but he decided I could get away with stupidity while wearing the wonderful cat suit, the best investment I ever made. Finally, I (Rosetta Stone, for ease of reference), yanked at the Colombian Drug Lord’s hand with its one missing finger and told him to follow me. I held on tight to the Drug Lord's four remaining fingers and we decided to take the LRT to KLCC. I figured that it would be the best place to run away from the both the smashed round one, whose brain probably got smashed in the midst of all that smashing and the ugly one who's probably got a brain ugly enough to match her face, and KLCC, though a familiar hang out, would never cross their mind as a place to find me. We boarded the LRT only to get stares no matter where we turned, some were amused, some bewildered, some staring in admiration, some with jaws wide open but what got to me most were a bunch of three giggling girls who were staring straight at us and their laughter. I went up to them and told them not to laugh at me but they continued to do so. I was so mad, I tried to stab them with my pencil but they moved and I fell on an old man who leered at me. I told him not to worry, I know how to deal with ‘delicate’ situations such as these. I dealt with it by running out the LRT the minute the door opened. Unfortunately, the catsuit ripped whilst I was running and a boob fell out. The drug lord tried to cover it with his hand but I slapped him til he fell between the doors and suffered the same fate as the round one. The round one was apparently in the crowd and saw this- she recognized me and shouted in her manly voice; ‘You! Come here you and apologise to me for all the trouble you caused a poor old lady!’ I responded by…grabbing the dagger that was clutched in the dead hand of the drug lord (luckily the train hadn’t moved off yet) and threw it at the round one who cleverly avoided it as she rolled herself out of the train. The dagger flew straight into the ugly one's eye. The ugly one was standing right behind the round one with the round one covring her artsy fartsy bright colours, and I it was surprising that I didn't notice her. But the bigger problem was that now I was out of the train, without the drug Lord or his dagger, adn the round one was still rolling on the floor of the platform scaring other commuters. I covered my exposed boob with one hand and grabbed the round one’s pant leg with the other and rolled her with all my might to the other end of the platform. As she rolled she knocked over many people who got angry and proceeded to kick and thrash her at the other end of the platform. Whilst the attack, I ran to a bunting and pulled it down, using it to cover my boob. In a roll of bunting cloth I staggered to… the stairs leading to the KLCC entrance from the LRT station, hoping to find another cat suit in one of the boutiques, heartbroken that my beloved investment was torn at the boob.

Once I reached KLCC’s lobby, I quickly looked around, trying to find a boutique that would possibly sell latex clothing, but I could could concentrate on is the waft of cinnamon buns in the air. The smell was coming from the cinnabon stall not too far from where I was standing. My exposed boob problem just seemed to trivial at the actual problem I was having, satisfying my hunger and giving in to the craving of a cinnamon bun and gory violence. I was upset that strangers had beaten the round one and I didn’t. I grabbed a bun and ate it, ignoring the attendant’s shouts to pay for it. I picked up the empty tray and went back to where the round one was lying on the platform unconscious. I used the tray to batter her for a bit before…

Not the end yet...

The Catsuit Capers of Rosetta Stone (Part 2)

Guide: Devena in Red, Diana in Green, Jacelyn in Blue.

ahh, pos malaysia, so thats how he heard me. He was probably having a torrid affair with the company receptionist in the stairwell and thought it was her, as I had many times heard her singing to herself ‘Wait a minute Mr Postman!’ He helped me up and I took the opportunity to grab his mail bag and…run away with it, wanting to read the mail illegally, thereby giving me some excitement in my life. When the postman finally stopped chasing me, I slowed down, managed to find a rather empty Starbucks cafe and walked in with the mail bag. After ordering my favourite latte, I sat down in bliss by the window to read clandestinely. But what happened when I opened the first letter was so unexpected that I gave up reading. I just left the bag of letters on the floor where I had put it down earlier, my mug of steaming latte still on the table, I just walked quietly out to the terrace of Starbucks. I took out my cellphone again and hesitantly dialled the number of the fire brigade. I told them that a very irritating round person was wedged btwn the elevators at my office and that I was responsible. I hung up before saying who ‘I’ was. I then realized I would be a fugitive so I bought a black catsuit and decided to call myself Pussy-in-Boots and fight crime and rid the world of round ones. My first job…was to find the round one who had written a letter to her friend to say that she had seen the entire elevator incident and that she was going to report me to the police.

I went back into Starbucks, grabbed the mail bag and latte and ran out into the street. One of the Starbucks waiters began to chase me down the street and realizing he wanted the Starbucks mug back, I quickly threw the whole mug at him, making sure the coffee spilt all over his t-shirt and apron. He turned red as he suspiciously looked at the mail bag in my hand, at that moment it got me thinking that the letter I just read could not have possibly been written by the round one as she was probably still stuck in middle of the elevator doors and given the string of incidences that got her on the floor, she would probably be having a concussion right now. I noticed the stunned waiter was picking glass shards to stab me with but I moved back and he slipped on the spilt coffee onto the other glass pieces on floor, cutting himself badly. I took this opportunity to run away with the mail bag to check if the round one, who had been cut in half by the elevator could have a concussion much less write a letter. I found she was gone! Her friend, the short, dark, ugly one had sewn her back together. I could barely imagine what hijinx a round one and an ugly one could get up to. I needed to find the Dreaded Duo. I whipped out my cell phone and called the blinking one …to ask her where the Dreaded Duo could be. But all the blinking one could say was that I was missing from the office at a time when there was too much work! Giving up on explaining to the blinking one that I could be sent to jail for murder if I came back to the office, I slammed the phone down and giving my Pussy-In-Boots outfit a pat, proceeded to hail a cab. "Taman Tun please" I said as soon as I sat at the backseat. The horrified look on the cabby's face actually made me smile, as I could imagine what was going through his head when he saw a barely five feet tall women clad in some ridiculous black leather at this hour of the day pretending to play cat-woman. I was half concerned he may not be able to control his ‘urges’ and may rape me as is frequently the case in our town but then realized he may wear himself out just trying to get the tight suit off. He dropped me off at Taman Tun but I then realized I was in the completely opposite direction of where the Round One actually lived. I figured I should get something to eat at a mamak before I journeyed again. At the mamak, I spotted the Ugly one! She was…

Its not over till...

The Catsuit Capers of Rosetta Stone

Guide: Devena in Red, Diana in Green, Jacelyn in Blue.

The ball rolled and rolled until it hit the great wall of china, where it… stopped rolling. Andrea's sudden loud screech upon seeing a cockroach suddenly jolted me from my casual afternoon nap in front of my office pc. I was about to.. go back to sleep, dreaming of the ball rolling into the great wall of China, which is very relaxing an image, when something as dumb as cockroach frenzy grips the entire office. Surely, people have better things to do than…being afraid of cockroaches to the point of a frenzy… I decided to escape the office while everyone was busy searching for the cockroach. Rushing to the lobby, I manage to get into an elevator just before the doors closed. But then, turning around, I saw the round one jeering at me, a wicked glee forming on her face at the thought of catching me going downstairs during the supposed "office hours." I playfully stabbed her in the arm with a pencil leaving her to roll on the floor in pain, hurling expletives at me and all those of my race… Just then…the elevator doors opened. I quickly took the chance to exit, worried the round one may roll on me and squash me in anger and vengeance. The elevator doors closed on the round one writhing in pain while I laughed LOUDLY in happiness and joy-joy. But that deceitful woman in all her roundness would never leave it at that, she yanked at my sleeve and in her manly voice said, "oh that was painful. You know you shouldn't do such things to an old lady like me." I was in too much guilt to stand there and put up with that huskiness, so I yanked my sleeve, causing her to roll into the middle of the closing elevator doors… A crunch sounded as I watched the round one become a semicircle half stuck in elevators doors. The elevator…couldn’t take all the pressure on it because of the crunched round one and it began to plummet down the shaft. The entire building starting shaking. Plaster began to drop from the ceiling, falling on a strange drop of blood that was on the floor next to me. With a scream of fear at the thought of the plaster destroying my wonderfully rebonded hair, I ran over the rounded mass sprawled between the elevator doors, and jumped down to the closest floor that the elevator was stuck in. I landed on my ass with a loud thud and immediately scanned the room to see if anyone saw me. Thankfully, there stood a hot, white guy with shaggy, sandy brown hair, carrying two bags of KFC. The smell of the chicken and his piercing blue eyes made me forget about the mess of round stuff just dangling around the elevator shaft. I got up and…walked over to him, following the smell of the chicken, but when I reached the man with the piercing blue eyes, I gasped in shock for he was not exactly white. He was more of an indian looking thing with a peculiar skin disease. I mean he was white all over, but when he opened his mouth and said "Yes maam... How can I help you?" in an incredibly thick indian accent, I fled to the stairwell, as the elevator was out of the question. As I ran down the stairs, wondering why an Albino Indian man had blue eyes, I did not see some very short men having a smoke and tripped over them. I fell down the stairs but my fall was stopped by… a huge tub of lard that had been left at the bottom of the stairs. Falling smack into all that lard, I was disgusted and let out a loud shriek that caught the ear of a sweet looking young gayish man. He came opened the stairwell door to see what happened and our eyes locked. Me in all that lard-y mess, he in his uniform, wait, he was wearing a uniform, and i squinted to see the tiny words on his left breast pocket.....

Continues! soon...

The Secret Cave (Part 3)

Guide: Devena in Red, Diana in Green, Jacelyn in Blue.

...

lots of ants and spiders and worms, all eating each other, which made her feel very happy and special. She then noticed the huge open tunnel down which the butler and nanny had fallen. It was very quiet suddenly. Jane looked around with slow foolishness, wondering why she was feeling dumb so slowly, because usually she'll feel the dumbness creeping in immediately. As she stood there in an even slow wonderment, she heard something go drip, drip, drip.. in equally slow motion as her thoughts. It was the slow dripping of blood from the corpse of Tim which was impaled on a stone spike at the roof of the cave. When Jane saw this she first screamed in horror and then felt silly as there was no reason to scream at a corpse. Her screams dislodged another rock which nearly missed her head and landed on Brunhilda’s corpse send pieces of organs and blood flying up at Jane’s face. The screaming brought June outside to where Jane… was wiping off the gooey blood and gore now all over her.

While June was standing at the entrance to the mansion, looking at Jane, lightning struck a jagged arc overhead, illuminating the garden outside the mansion and also revealing parts of Brunhilda's body that have strewn all over the place. She jumped at the sight of her cat Piddles gnawing at what would’ve been a pancreas. She looked at Jane with disappointment. ‘If your were going to kill the butler and the maid- you could’ve called me first! I would’ve taken Piddles somewhere else!’ Jane was about to protest but realized it may be nice to be a murderer. She thought of all the wonderful stale food and lesbian sex she’d have in prison. It would definitely be better than…sitting in the mansion playing bad music in relative darkness. But before Jane could say anything to June about her wonderful prison dreams, she saw a strange shadow on the ground next to hers. It looked like a large man with an axe in his hand. ‘But that would mean…’ She started to tremble in horror at the thought of her dad being the one responsible for all that blood shed. "But why would dad want to kill his very own children?" she though to herself, and as she was trying to look away, avoiding her father's gaze, she felt a splash of a foul smelling liquid right across her face. ‘Oh sorry Jane, didn’t see you there. Was just throwing out yesterday’s wanton soup leftover.’ said her dad. He put the axe down. ‘Cut that damn-ratted tree cos it was blocking the entrance to my secret laboratory underground. I see Tim and Brun went where they shouldn’t have…’ Jane was about to say something but June screamed and pointed to the front door. Jerry… was tip-toe-ing towards Jane and her dad. In his hand was not any kind of poo (for the benefit of those who have an obsession with this kid throwing poo about ha) but a vial of radioactive material that his father was testing in the underground lab that had be strewn with the debris. Despite the animated protests of his siblings and father, jerry splashed the contents around hitting everybody. All are chemically burnt to death.

Ends.

P.S. personally- this story seems a little less clever (as clever as nonsense can get I guess!) than the others. However, I am certain the next one will be more interesting... (its done btw!) ;) ~ Diana

The Secret Cave (Part 2)

Guide: Devena in Red, Diana in Green, Jacelyn in Blue.

...comb and scissors and said ‘I can’t wait to style your hair! And for you to style mine!’ After giggling in anticipation for a few seconds, he begin work one her hair. At first, he only intendede to snip of the split ends of her long dark hair, but it was too dark and he accidentally chopped off a whole chunk of it. She was furious, she grabbed the shears from him and stabbed his hand. He screamed in pain so loudly that the rocks surrounding the secret passageway began to tremble. The tremors caused them to be still long enough for a deluge of rocks to flatten them. The passage was just below the bedroom where Jane’s elder sister June was…June heard a sound like rocks and earth falling and loud screams of pain but she was too busy pining away for her boyfriend who was back home, waiting for winter to be over so that they could meet again, to pay much notice to the sounds. She was just about to fall sleep when she heard a knock on her door. ‘Come in’, she said, not suspecting that that anyone at all would distract her. Jane was at her door asking the whereabouts of the butler. They both decided to go looking for him when they heard someone singing a very bad rendition of ‘Singing in the Rain’ in the kitchen. ‘Oh no!’ June cried- ‘Tim must be out or dead as there is no way he would allow any bad singing in his kitchen! Oh how he always liked to imitate Simon and spank Brunhilda when she sang badly!’ Jane agreed with her sister and decided to go back to her music playing, realizing it would be futile to look for a dead or missing butler. But June, who because of the one different alphabet in her name, was smarter than Jane, and realized that there wasn’t anyone in the house who could sing ‘Singing in the Rain’ as badly as the person still singing it, not even June herself (and she was a truly awful singer). “Jane,” she said, her voice trembling, “isn’t that voice of yours really realy bad? I suggest you stop insulting yourself and thus stick to talking." Jane stared at her in such disbelief. She was too shocked to utter another word and just ran out the back door into the darkness. Alone once again, June went back to her room to continue brooding. Meanwhile, Jane had run out and tripped over an uprooted tree that had fallen due to the landslide in caves below. ‘That’s odd,’ she thought… ‘I am wearing different shoes on each foot. That stupid mansion with its old chandeliers, haven’t they heard of proper lighting in this place? Hmmm, wait a minute, isn’t that an air conditioning unit? 'Oh my.. that is pretty cool.. never did i expect such technology in this freaking old building. Im sure there's more to life than looking at home furnishing in my own house’. She got up off the grass and tugged at the fallen tree too see if there was anything under it. Sadly, even with her superhuman strength, her lifting unveiled nothing- because there was nothing under the tree… except…

The Secret Cave...(Part 1)

It was a dark and dreary night. The storm continued outside, but in the mansion, everything was cosy, with chandeliers brightly lit and one of Jane’s cousins playing on the organ cum piano cum electric guitar. Jane was on the drums. Her 4-year old brother Jerry was on the potty making a completely different kind of music. He reached for the loo roll only to fall off the potty and spread its unsightly contents all over the hall. Jane … unaware of her brother’s machinations, continued to play on the drums, wondering about her life, the rain and why she was forced to stay with her cousins in the mansion this winter while her parents travelled the world as missionaries and spies. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door but no one realized it as everyone was drowned in the enthusiasm of solid noise-making. After a few minutes, a cab pulled over the driveway to drop off the butler and the nanny who had a night out by themselves. They had an apparently romantic night as they couldn't keep their hands off each other all the way up to the entrance door but their kisses stopped short when they discovered Jerry peeping at them from the window with a poo-ball in hand waiting to launch at them from his vantage point. They hurried around back to get away from the demon child and in their haste, did not see a giant sewer hole in which they fell into…Upon falling into the hole, the butler (Tim) and the nanny (Brunhilda) realized that it was in fact not a sewer hole at all, but a secret passageway into the mansion whose cover had been strangely removed. They walked through a rather small tunnel and came to an opening of yet another tunnel. The secret passageway was pitch black, they couldn't see a thing. Tim was getting tired of walking and he sw this as an opportunity get it on with Brunhilda as the kids will definitely not find them here. He whispered, "Brun, honey.. I’ve suddenly got the urge to do those things we do rarely get to do. Thos lovely unmentionables- those brats will never discover us here.’ Brunhilda giggled shyly. ‘You know I am always ready for you…’ It was all the encouragement he needed. He whipped out his…

To be Continued...

In the Theme of things...

In line with our gory, everybody dies theme, I'd like to present some videos that are in the spirit of our posts! Enjoy!

~Diana

Happy T(h)ree Friends!

Ginger-ous Goes On...

Ginger-ous, Part 2

She saw him bent over looking at his probably now very badly fractured toe after the vegetable onslaught. He grimaced in pain and almost forgot Ginger was standing there. Ginger bent down too to talk to him not realizing her cleavage was spilling out of her knit top. It was the hypnotist’s turn to be mesmerized. Ginger continues to talk to him about hypnosis but the hypnotist is too hypnotized by her boobs to understand what she is talking about. Finally his finger moves towards her boobs to poke her and, realizing how perverted he is, she slaps his hand away, stamps on his injured foot and wacks him with a nearby breadstick which is so badly baked it is hard enough to cause the hypnotist to fall over unconscious. Now that he's unconscious, she looked aorund, knelt beside him stroking his thick black hair with one hand, while the other hand reached for his back pocket first, and then she felt it, the touch of leather, she pushed and tucked at his butt and managed to pull out his wallet. Then she looked around again, just as she was getting ready to run, she heard a beep and then she realized that it was probably an SMS from her best friend Pepper asking about her first day at work. She made off with the hypnotist’s wallet only to slip on the watermelon sliver (it got her this time!) and go flying out the door in a rather undignified fashion. But it certainly helped her escape theft as everybody was more concerned with laughing at her exposed granny panties than to notice what she held in her hand. She scurried home only to remember halfway that she had forgotten her pumpkin. But that was hardly the end of it…once she arrived home, her dad, who being an unemployed writer lived at home in the attic, watched Ginger run into the house and up the stairs to her bedroom. He was very curious, and having run out of ideas for his new bodice-ripping fantasy, horror, romance novel which is written so well that no publisher will touch it, taps on her door… and opens it when no one answered after a good whole minute. The horror on his face was indescribable when he found his only daughter sprawled on the floor with some chinese looking man with thick hair on top of her. The hypnotist had woken up from being hypnotized and had followed Ginger all the way home and caught her off guard in her room. Poor Ginger lay there helpless gasping for air while the hypnotist sat on her belly trying to hypnotize her with some weird rocklike medallion. All the while screaming ‘Give me wallet White Devil!’ Ginger’s dad reaches for a nearby coal poker and whacks the fellow with all his might. The impact of a 250 pound, 6.5 man sent the little Chinese hypnotist through the glass window and down two storey’s to the flower bed below…Ginger sat up groggily to thank her father, only to see him running upstairs to the attic to put in a scene about a hypnotist falling down two storeys into a flower bed into his bodice-ripping novel.

Ginger, trembling and pungent as ever, walked slowly towards her bedroom window, looked down and was horrified to see her skirt missing and the granny panties she was wearing had a hole as big as a ten cent coin. Immediately, all sorts of things started running thorugh her mind, 'did my chinese charmer see the hole,' what does he think bout my panties,' 'would the hole i purposely put there have an impact… should I have trimmed the bushes?’ But all of it didn’t matter because the Chinese charmer was deader than a doorknob on her prize petunias. The wail of police sirens brought Ginger to her senses. She knew she’d be implicated for murder. There was only one thing to do… she began to climb down the trailing ivy on the wall outside her window. But then, she made the mistake of glancing down and she could see the dead hypnotist’s eyes wide open, still emitting uncontrollably hypnotic vibes that caused Ginger to forget what she was doing and fall with a thump of death to the ground below.

Fin!

Ginger-ous!

Been a little busy- but never too busy for mad stories! Our next creation...

Ginger-ous~ Part 1

Ginger breezed through the office door that morning, filled with hope for a brand new beginning at New Beginnings; a bookshop in the corner of Chinatown. Once she stepped into the office, a horrible odor greeted her, dispelling her hopes and making her want to sneeze. She was so tempted to just walk out the door and never come back, but just at that thought, a voice behind her called "Oh you must be lost. We don’t get White Devils here often,’ said the old Chinese man hunched on his cane that looked like an untreated root of oak. ‘No, I am Ginger, I was hired yesterday by Mrs Chen.’ The man squinted, ‘Mrs Chen is the cleaning lady, and slightly mad, I might add…’ Ginger gasped. She couldn’t believe it! When the old Chinese man that hunched on his cane squinted at her and told her such annoying things, he reminded her of her long lost grandfather (she was actually only 75% white- the other 25% was Chinese)! So she stared at him bewildered. But her thought went back to her meeting with Mrs Chen the day before. She looked too well poised, wearing a slim-cut long cheongsam with a slit that shows of almost all of her legs, hair up in a bee-hive, and spoke too much proper English in full sentences to be a mad cleaning lady. In fact, her long lost grandfather look-alike seems more likely to be a little off and pulling her leg. In fact, he looked very capable of pulling her legs quite literally. She wondered if she should ask him if he was her long lost grandfather but then decided no good could come of it so instead she asked, ‘Who owns this place then? You?’ He was about to respond when a dashing young man entered from the back door. He said, ‘Father, there you are! I’ve been looking all over for you! Stop harassing strangers in random stores!’ The young man’s eyes then locked with Ginger’s…who found it difficult to unlock her eyes from his as he was, unknown to her, a master hypnosis who often practiced on hapless strangers in random stores. The young man was about to reach out his hands for a strand of hair that was casually caressing her lip just when Mrs Chen strides through the door and in an awfully intense tone shouted "it's you again!! you silly old man.. how dare you keep walking into my shop! And for the last time, I am not your cleaning lady and I will not follow you back to do any bedding activities! Do you hear me hunchy?" and with that she smacked him upside his head with her pocketbook. This jolted Ginger out of the hypnotic clutches of the young man, who deftly maneuvered out the same door he came in followed by his aging father. ‘There! Now that we got them out of the way…’ Ginger looked at Mrs Chen in excitement, wondering what her first task for the day would be. ‘You must take out the garbage, then clean the pantry and tidy up all the books. Then you can get me some of my favourite tea and cakes from Baker’s Heaven; it’s only two blocks away, so I’m sure you can be there and back in no more than ten minutes.’ ‘But,’ Ginger began,’… i.. but I thought my job was just to sit by the coffee table and read one book a day? Your job requirement stated - 'must be able to read a book a day'. and now I have to take the garbage and stuff, I don't think I am…’ Before she could finish, Mrs Chen snapped, ‘Don’t think you’re what? Qualified to take out the trash? Sorry, I forgot I must’ve been the only who graduated Elevated Rubbish Throwing. You wanted a job, you got a job. I asked you if you read a book a day because that would certainly make up for all the books you’re NOT going to read as long as you work here!’ Ginger crinkled her nose- her cutesy response to problems. What was she doing here? She wondered… where the cute grandson of the mad old hunched Chinese man would be right now, and decided to try to find him so that he could teach her how to hypnotise ppl; that way, she could hypnotise Mrs Chen into stop being a bitch and maybe sign over the bookship to Ginger! And then she too could wear long elegant cheongsams and boss around to immature little girls looking for jobs. "Now, where has that cutie gone too?" And out the door she fled, walking down the pavement looking thorugh the glass doors of pretty little boutiques which all seem to have bright red lanterns hanging, and then she spotted it, it was big, it was beautiful, she's been wanting it since she heard about it in fairytales as a child but had never seen one in real life before. She rushed to the produce section of the Wong & Son Supermarket and picked up the biggest pumpkin they had. After paying Wong, or his son, whichever it was- she caught sight of the hypnotist in the cheese section. She rushed over, almost tripping over a watermelon sliver. Her clumsiness drew annoyed looks from the other patrons who muttered unflattering comments in Chinese. She reached the cheese section and…promptly locked eyes with the hypnotist once more. This time, she was hypnotized long enough for him to caress one of her stray hairs hanging by her lip. After that, his hypnosis wore off as the pumpkin she was holding fell on his left foot. His loud "ouch!" brought her back to the unflattering cheese section.

She...Ends.

She...Part3

The loud sound of the crashing door had sent the pastor and his girlfriend… running across their neatly mowed lawn to the presbyterian church which the pastor heads. She heard them running but it didn’t quite register as the 11 herbs and spices chicken was overpowering her senses. When she got out onto the patio and found it empty, she shrieked in frustration and threw the chicken bone at a nearby duck. The duck was sent rolling across the lawn and tripped the farmer’s girlfriend, causing her to have a concussion… that would have been the end of it as the girlfriend could then be finished off with the blade while the soya bean is drunk, but suddenly the chicken bone thrower realised that it was the farmer's girlfriend who had tripped and not the pastor's girlfriend, and that the pastor and his girlfriend were lamost reaching the steps of the church. So... she carried all that cloth she was wearing and ran with the can of soya bean in her hands, knife on the other and was careful to jump over the chicken bone. As she was running with all her might, complete with al the wind blowing and hair flying effects (although at tortoise speed), and as she was about to reach the church steps, the church bells rang and caught her off-guard. She dropped the cleaver on the steps making a loud clanking sound. This alerted the pastor and his wife who came out to see. When he saw her, with her messy hair and unkempt bags… he fell deeply and madly in love. He rushed to steady her not knowing that his wife was reaching for the cleaver… and that not too far in the church, the pastor's girlfriend was also reaching for a weapon to kill the pastor, his wife and our heroine. All the simultaneously thoughts and actions caught the attention of the farmer who was praying in the church for his wife who had had a concussion. Upon seeing the pastor’s girlfriend and wife having a tussle he changed his mind about his own profession- ‘Damn it- why does he get all the women!’. He then decided he would let them kill the pastor and then he’d have all of them. But his plot was foiled when… the pastor's girlfriend accidentally slashed a vein on his neck as she turned to run towards the pastor's wife who was hiding behind the huge church doors, and the farmer cried in pain as he fell on the beautifully lit oil lamps by the altar, thus burning to death. His shrieking caught her attention and sent a shrill of pleasure through her spine. She dropped the cleaver and ran towards the farmer lying in a pool of blood, clothes seeped in oil and was slowly burning... she then decided it would be appropriate to do a rain dance around the burning farmer to help him stop burning, for too many thrills were going through her as he burned so that she could not think straight and thought she had become a Red Indian (Native American, to be politically correct), and then… she caught the pastor's eyes. He hurried to watch her dance around the farmer’s flaming carcass, forgetting all about our heroine (whose name is Petals, for ease of reference), panting on the church steps. Petals was panting so much that she almost didn’t realise that the pastor’s girlfriend (whose name is Leafy, for ease of reference), had dropped the cleaver; but then she saw the shining cleaver calling to her from inside the church and ran to it, only to realize the Pastor’s wife could run faster than she could… she panicked. She had to win. The pastors wife and the girlfriend has to go. And then it struck her. She stood there, right in the middle of the aisle and started reiterating boring family stories - "my aunt had her hernia removed just last Christmas! Oh what a fat lump it was!!...’ At the vile mention of hernia’s and Chrismas, both the girlfriend and wife stopped short and cringed, then started shaking uncontrollably with discomfort. Petals was overjoyed. She continued… ‘And then her husband, Mickey…decided to open a shop selling T-shirts, but my aunt’s hernia operation cost so much money that they couldn’t open the shop and then my aunt started nagging my uncle to get off his fat ass and find a more lucrative job than writing sub-titles for movies…’ At the mention of sub-titles for movies, the pastor and his wife suddenly remembered the horribly wrong BM sub-titles to an English movie they had just watched and they had a heart-attack and died on the spot. Petals and Leafy looked at each other bewildered. What were they to do now? Three corpses lay strewn in the church . Petals was afraid yet she felt something strange, soemthing she never felt before, it was the weirdest urge, an urge to just pull leafy close and give her a lip-smacking kiss, but before she divulge into her urges, she took out a safety blade from her pocket and made a tiny slit on both the corpses - a heart shaped scar on the pastor's cheek, and a zig zagged scar on the pastor's wife's hand.. A gleeful smile spread across her face at the thought of the slitting. The farmer was burnt by now and there was no need of any slitting. Then.. just before Petals and Leafy could get it on, the forgotten farmer’s girlfriend, who had now recovered from her concussion, arrived at the church, and seeing the farmer burnt to death (his face was not completely burnt, so she could make him out), became enraged, and knocked out the cornerstone of the church with her bare hands, thus bringing the church down on top of everyone in it. And soon a rescue team arrived at the church site to salvage the situation. They managed to pull Petals out safely as she had used her unkempt bags and the farmer’s corpse to shield her from the falling rocks. When she got out she immediately received a text from Bobby telling her, he would be back for Hanukkah. She was in a daze and could not remember all tht transpired before thus telling the police and rescue team that the paralysed duck had made the building collapse. They took her to the mental ward where she met… Devena Kasinathan, a beautiful young lady who looks just like her, bags, unkept hair and all. They began to.. talk to each other and discovered that they hey mutual friends, Jacelyn Johnson the evil dwarf and Diana Chai the temptress…they missed their mutual friends a lot, and so they decided to break out of the mental ward. They were running so fast to avoid being caught, just to get to the nearest telephone-booth so that they could get the evil dwarf's opinion on another murderous technique in case the mental hospital wardens came after them, but as they approached the corner of the shop lots, they spotted the temptress' car speeding along the road. They decided to wait at the junction to catch Diana Chai's attention, but Alas, Diana was speeding to fast and didnt notice the two bags by the road and hit them flat as she swirled around the corner...

Fin. :)

She... Continues.

After a slight commercial break from an apparently hungry Devena, we're back to the second installment of our quirky madlib story!.. Read On!

She...Part2

Though Jacelyn assured her she wouldn’t have to eat the cow, she was appalled nonetheless and decided perhaps she would slaughter a cabbage instead and… she almost began to kill the cabbage (which if she had only known it then, but she was too stupid to realise, was already dead on the kitchen table) but she then realized how much more boring slaughtering a cabbage would be than her current mundane work life etc and so instead she let the evil dwarf’s lair and went to Tesco’s to buy a good knife to experiment on ppl with. But then… Tesco's was closed for no apparent reason on that particular day and she had once made a personal vow to never visit carrefour which is the only other convenience store that she could get to without much hassle, so she called the evil dwarf again to ask for other killing options...

The evil dwarf suggested a deadly mix of boring family stories and arsenic. Would kill anyone stone dead, she said- after which you could cut them up with a safety blade. Our heroine was in awe of the evil dwarf and quickly headed to the nearest drug store for arsenic. One the way there… she met a pastor, who offered her a can of soya bean which she greedily snapped up! She was in such a hurried state to drink it up that she overlooked the poor pastor standing there, waiting in anticipation of any form of appreciation, but of course none came. The loud opening of the can awoke the pastor from his daze and as he was in a hurry, he smiled sympathetically at her and walked away. She slurped her last drop of soya bean only to find... that she is no longer hungry. Since the soya bean has returned her wits to her which had been disappearing lately, she suddenly realizes how cute the pastor is who had smiled sympathetically at her. She quickly turns to find where the cute, tall, dark and handsome pastor had gone but instead saw a tub of lard grin at her with horrible teeth. She nearly barfed her soya (and tht would be a terrible waste of good soya) and hurried away in the direction the pastor had disappeared in. The road led her to a cottage in the middle of Wales. The pastor was seated on the patio with… another woman! "Who the hell is that bitch?" she wondered. At the back of her mind she was already planing up boring familiy stories that would kill... now all she needs is that blade and Dolly Parton implants to shield her identity. But her mind was made up- she would…. do whatever it takes to get another can of soya been. Oh and also a knife. So she goes where both would obviously be: the pastor's kitchen! Inside, she unexpectedly finds that she had completely destroyed the door (as the pastor had never let her in anyway, so not altogether unexpected). She quickly grabs the nearest cleaver, soya can and a chicken leg (murdering takes strength…) before heading off to find her victim.

To be continued...

P.S. you'll notice in the first installment that we mentioned our heroine to be vegetarian... and now she grabs a chicken leg... LOL! ;)

Cooking time!

In the spirit of nonsenseness... well, more randomness than anything... i was wondering yesterday about the origins of cooking. If you're wondering, i can't cook for nuts, but i'm pretty hooked to cooking shows, be it Nigella's sultry kitchen exploits, Jamie Oliver's lisping dialogue or Anna Olsen's sugary creations.


And so i found myself thinking, food being so central to who i am as a person, what ppl would have been like before cooking began. I mean, 'cavemen' (please excuse my ignorance of the various historical phases, Neolithic, Paleolithic etc which names i still weirdly remember but have no clue anymore what actually went on in those long ago days) would probably have eaten raw meat or just raw vegetables, fruits and nuts to survive. What an inspiring meal to come home to after a long day trying to escape saber tooth tigers and befriend wooly mammoths without success. I mean, raw meat? I have friends who thrive on rare steaks but blood oozing out of my meal is not the least bit appetizing to me. I like the idea of mixing herbs and spices to create the perfect marinade, sauce or gravy; grilling a piece of meat at just the right temperature so that it's tender and yet fully cooked, but not burnt (i hate burnt food); and of course, beautifully decorated desserts with swirls and dollops and twists of (pick your favourite sweet snack).


And that's when it hit me, if people in the modern age (me included) stop learning to cook, we may lose all the stuff that the cavemen learned over the years. We may have to get back to eating raw meat, vegetables, fruits and nuts. No trace of tumeric or garlic or (god forbid) that wonderfully aromatic curry leaf, may grace our salivating mouths anymore. Yes, it's an extreme thought... that ppl would forget how to cook. But in these days of fast food and frozen pizza, it's not too unthinkable and it freaks me out!


So, to avoid reliance on raw foods, and to decrease the chances of being ruled by chefs who in the near future may hold one of our main sentient pleasures in the palms of their skilled hands (the rest of us being totally clueless about making our own meals), i shall try to learn to cook (shudder)... yes, i shall not even restrict my learning to baking, but instead attempt grilling and boiling, to ensure that my taste buds will be forever sated and content. Here's to talking nonsense and eating well!


Devena

And we're here!

Talking (or in this case, writing) nonsense is an art. I kid you not. And we're experts in the field- you'll come to see that soon.

It was a typical day at work when we decided we'd make a hobby out the jabberings we usually would confine to the occasional inter-office email chat or after-work mamak session. What started as a small game to pass the time between projects and waiting snowballed into one long, weird composition of sorts.

You've all played it- 'Finish the story'- one person provides one line, and the next another... you get the drill. And what came out of it, was just too good not to share.

Why'd we start this blog? Don't know really, but what we reckon we'd give it a shot. Mindless fun if nothing else!

As we've prolly rambled on long enough, continue reading for our first ever 'pieced together' story. Please note- the following was not edited in any way- we know there're grammatical and consistency issues but it just adds to the fun of it.
Colour Code; Devena in Red, Jacelyn in Blue and Diana in Green.


She...

The rain hit the pane in a thumping motion almost in rhythm as she… stared out the window like a dieting woman looking at a tub of ice-cream... only to see the ice-cream melting in the tropical heat… which was rather surprising for a rainy day.. if it was actually happening, but the woman was only imagining the ice-cream and the melting-ness of it, like she usually did when she was very, very hungry. In fact, she imagined food on a daily basis- it was all she could do to keep from thinking of… the mundane-ness of her work life, the routined family life and of course, the one car she would never have unless she stopped supporting her parents in the Nursing Villa and decided to wear last year’s fashions. The horror! But she really wanted that car, it reminded her of….freedom, running over annoying people, ice-cream and all such good stuff, but… for now, all she could do was sit by the window of her favourite coffee shop, sipping a cup of steaming hot coffee, a book in her hand, and wishing her Bobby hadn’t gone to war, leaving her alone with bills and dreams whilst he….took photos of the war to post on his famous blog, with catchy and interesting captions, while being bored and frightened out of his mind, which is why… she is unable to comprehend the fact that even the life of a person at war, whose life is at stake every minute of the day seems more interesting and fulfilling than her own. She had to put her life at risk as well and hopefully in a very much more glamorous and exciting fashion- She knew what she must do- she had to go for National Service and prove… how stupid she was to join National Service when she is not drafted to join because she is soon kicked out of the camp. After realizing her mistake she knows what she must do to put her life at stake in an even more glamorous and exciting fashion; she must… go on a killing spree. "Oh the joy of slashing someone with a sharp knife and then hear them scream..." she thought to herself. But to do so she needed a foolproof plot- so she called Jacelyn Johnson- evil master dwarf of all things bloody and painful for her opinion on… the art and mastery of causing trauma and bodily hurt on another without having to put in much effort. The conversation went well, except the part where Jacelyn explained how to she practiced disemboweling a cow causing our heroine to realize in shock and horror that all this would clash very much with her vegetarianism...

To be continued... ;)